For most lone parents in Ireland, the hard part of meeting someone new is not finding a person you like. It is finding an evening. You have the kids every second weekend and Wednesdays, he has his on alternate weeks, and three months of messages later you realise you have never once been free on the same night. So here are six steps, in this order.
Step 1: Look at your diary before you look at anyone
Friday, half four, outside the school gate. The bag with the PE gear and the hurley goes into the other parent's car, a wave through the back window, and you are on your own until Sunday teatime. Those windows are what you need to know before you message anyone.
Take the next two months and write down:
- the weekends and evenings the children are with you;
- the weekends and evenings they are with their other parent;
- the holidays: Halloween mid-term, Christmas, the February break, Easter and the long summer, because they are rarely split like an ordinary week;
- the evenings that only look free: GAA training, swimming, homework club, late shifts.
That list is your filter. Someone who is only ever free when you have the kids might be lovely, but the relationship would be a constant juggling act. Better to know at the start.
Step 2: Be honest about what you want right now
Some people want adult conversation again. Some want something serious. Some just want company for a Sunday walk without a buggy. All of that is fine. It only goes wrong when your profile says "looking for something long term" and you are still in the thick of the separation.
Step 3: Mention the kids in your profile, but carefully
Say you have children and roughly what ages. It is not something to confess on the third date, it is the first filter: anyone who cannot handle it drops away and you both save time.
Leave out names, the school, the creche, and photos where their faces can be seen. Your children do not need to appear on a dating profile because you are looking for someone.
Things worth talking about early
- What does your week look like with the kids? Every second weekend, week on week off, or are they mostly with the other parent.
- How old are they? A toddler and a teenager doing the Junior Cycle make for very different evenings.
- What are you looking for? Ask straight, answer straight.
- How are things with your ex? No details. Just whether it is settled or still taking energy every day.
Step 4: Look for people whose rhythm matches yours
That is why PAM exists. In the Custody Schedule you enter when the children are with you, and you can see before you say hello whether you and the other person have free days in common. It does not replace chemistry, but it saves you from the situation where everything fits except that you never see each other.
The app is in English. To be upfront: the community in Ireland is only getting started, so at first there may be few members near you. If that suits you, you grow with it. If not, these steps work just as well without any app.
Step 5: First meeting in daylight, in public, without the kids
Pick a child-free day and a public place: a walk on the pier in Dún Laoghaire, along the Lee in Cork or the prom in Salthill. An hour, maybe an hour and a half, not a whole night out. If it goes well, there will be another time.
A common mistake is spending half the first date on the separation. Understandable, but what the other person hears is that there is no room yet. Talk about your children openly and about your ex briefly and calmly.
If you like the idea of meeting people as you go about your day, there is FacePAM: you switch it on for a set time when you are out and see PAM members nearby who have switched it on too. Nobody sees your exact location, and you can turn it off whenever you want.
Step 6: Take your time with the children
A new relationship wants everything at once: dinner with the kids, a weekend away together. After a separation, though, children need things to be predictable, and every adult who arrives and leaves again is a small loss for them. Introduce someone only when you know they are staying. How to do that step by step is in introducing a new partner to your children.
A new relationship does not by itself change guardianship, custody or access. If you are worried about how the other parent will react, read guardianship, custody, access and a new relationship.
When it is not only love that is missing
Not every evening needs a date. Sometimes what is missing is someone who knows what a Sunday night feels like when the kids come back tired and the lunches for Monday are not made. That is what The Circle is for, the forum inside PAM, anonymous if you prefer. For practical help, like someone to bring your child to training, there is Helping Hand.
Read on: a letter to mums who keep putting it off, a dad's notebook from the road and ideas for the year with the kids. And by city: Dublin, Cork and Galway.
Get PAM →Common questions
- Should I say I have children on my dating profile?
- Yes. It saves both of you time because it is clear straight away who is comfortable with it. Saying you have children and roughly their ages is enough, without names or photos.
- When should my children meet a new partner?
- Only once the relationship is stable and you both know it is serious. Many parents wait several months. The first meeting should be short, somewhere neutral and without a big build-up.
- Is PAM available in Ireland?
- Yes, the app is in English and available on iPhone and Android. The community in Ireland is just getting started, so there may be few members near you at first.
- Does a new relationship change custody or access?
- Not by itself. Separation does not affect guardianship, and any arrangement stays in place unless the parents agree otherwise or a court changes it.
- How do I date if I only have every second weekend free?
- Look specifically for people whose free weekends match yours and plan ahead. For the first few meetings, a daytime walk is plenty.