These notes are invented, but pieced together from a lot of real stories. Declan is 43, lives in Galway, and his two children, nine and twelve, live with their mother in Mayo. He has them every second weekend and for half of most school holidays. He has decided to give it a go again.
Week 1: Counting the hours
Friday. Left work at half three to beat the traffic out of the city. Seventy-five minutes up, collect them at six, seventy-five minutes back with the radio fought over the whole way. On Sunday the same again in reverse. I worked it out tonight: five hours of driving every access weekend. That is time that will never be "free".
Tuesday. Made a profile. Wrote "two kids, every second weekend" in the first line. If that puts someone off, better now.
Week 2: Learning to text like an adult again
Monday. Two conversations going. One sends long messages at all hours. The other replies in the evenings, short, because she has a small lad who doesn't sleep. The second one feels easier. She gets it when I say I'm offline Friday night because I'm in the car.
Thursday. Made a mistake. Told the whole story of the separation by message, top to bottom. She was kind about it, but I could feel it was the wrong way to start. Note to self: the kids, yes. The ex, one line.
Week 3: A walk on the prom
Saturday. Free weekend. We met at Salthill at eleven, walked the length of the prom and back. She normally has her son on Saturdays too, but he was at his dad's. An hour and a half, a coffee from a hatch, nothing fancy. Easy.
She asked one question about my two and I asked one about her lad. Neither of us got the phone out to show photos. It felt right to keep it like that for now.
Monday. Filled in the Custody Schedule on PAM. More useful than I expected: our next shared free weekend is three weeks away. Better to see that now than feel let down later.
Week 4: What I'm taking from it
- The access weekends stay sacred. No texting at the dinner table, no "just a quick call". They notice everything.
- The drive is thinking time, not lost time. I used to dread it. Now it is the hour I sort my head out before they get in the car.
- Cancelling is part of it. The youngest got a bug and I asked to swap weekends. She wrote back "of course, hope he feels better". That told me more than any profile could.
- The kids don't know yet. And that will stay the case until I'm sure. How to do it later is in the plan for introductions.
What dads often underestimate
A lot of fathers with access feel they have to fill every minute with the kids with something special, and make every free weekend count. Both are exhausting. Children mostly want an ordinary weekend with their dad: dinner, a match, the telly. And a free Saturday spent walking with someone is not a betrayal of them.
If you are wondering whether a new partner affects your access, read guardianship, custody, access and a new relationship.
If what you want is company rather than romance, PAM has Outings, where parents organise things to do with the kids together, and The Circle for conversations between parents. The app is in English, and the community in Ireland is only starting out. The overview is in single parent dating in Ireland, and for the west coast single parents in Galway.
Get PAM →Common questions
- How do I find time to date as a dad with weekend access?
- Write down your free weekends and evenings for two months first. Keep the access weekends for the children and plan meetings for the free ones, close to home.
- Should I mention my children on my profile?
- Yes, in the first line. Anyone who isn't comfortable with it will drop away. Leave out names and photos of the children.
- How much should I say about the separation on a first date?
- Very little. Talk openly about your kids and briefly about your ex. Long separation stories make it sound as if there is no room for someone new yet.
- What if I have to cancel because of the kids?
- Be honest and cancel. How the other person reacts tells you a lot about whether they can live with children being part of your life.