You can meet someone and still be a good mum. One does not cancel the other. I am writing this because I know how it feels from the inside, and because a lot of mothers around Ireland could have written it to themselves.
About "maybe next year"
First it was: when she starts school. Then: after her Communion. Then: when the youngest is a bit older and would understand. The Communion dress is back in its bag in the attic, and your own life is still parked somewhere in "later".
Putting it off looks like being a good parent. Often it is fear: that it will go wrong, that people will talk, that the kids will feel pushed aside. Those fears are real. They are still not a reason to live half a life.
About the guilt
It usually turns up on a Friday night, when the kids are at their dad's and the house is too quiet. Going out feels like being "that mother". But look at it honestly: the children are not with you that evening anyway. You are not taking anything from anyone. You are just stopping the waiting.
And children learn from what they see. A mum who looks after herself too is showing them that this is normal.
About your mam, your sister and the neighbour
A lot of us have the same help close by: a mother who offers to mind them, a sister, the neighbour two doors down. And a lot of us say no, because we don't want to owe anyone or explain where we are going. You don't have to explain. "I've something on, I'll be back by ten" is enough.
If you don't have that help, look for it among other parents. PAM has Helping Hand, where parents help each other out, collecting a child from swimming or dropping them to training. It has nothing to do with dating, but sometimes it is exactly what makes that one free evening possible.
About what you are looking for
Maybe a relationship. Maybe just a conversation with an adult who asks how you are, not how the kids are. Both are fine. The only thing that matters is not kidding yourself.
If you want to know whether someone suits you beyond the photo, there is PAM Match: a questionnaire comparing how you each see communication, values, parenting and everyday life, and showing where you meet and where you don't. It won't tell you what you'll feel, but it helps you see the obvious stumbling blocks.
About the first messages
The first messages tell you a lot. Someone genuinely interested asks about you: what you do, what you enjoy, how your day went. He might ask about the kids too, in a general way, like how old they are, and no more.
A few things you should not brush off:
- wants to come to your house quickly, or late at night when the kids are asleep;
- talks about "our family" after a handful of messages;
- avoids a video call or a daytime meeting but loves texting at midnight;
- has nothing good to say about any of his exes.
Good signs: he respects your rhythm, isn't put out when you reply hours later because you were with the kids, and suggests meeting in daylight somewhere public himself.
About safety
First meeting in daytime, in public, without the children. Tell a friend where you are going and who with. Don't give your address until you know the person. No photos of the kids on your profile, no names. That isn't paranoia, it is ordinary care.
The mistake a lot of mums make
Squeezing dates into the time you have the kids: "They're asleep by nine, I'll just pop out." That is how the exhaustion starts, and dating becomes one more chore. Better less often, and when you are genuinely free. In the Custody Schedule in PAM you enter the children's rhythm and see who you share free days with. The app is in English, and the Irish community is just getting going.
About the loneliness that has nothing to do with romance
Some evenings it isn't a date you are missing, it is someone you can text "today was a hard one". In The Circle, the forum in PAM, mums and dads talk about the things you don't say at the school gate, anonymously if you like.
When you are ready for the next step, read six steps for single parents in Ireland. If it gets serious, there is the plan for introducing a partner to the kids. And if you are worried about how their dad will take it: guardianship, custody, access and a new relationship.
You are not too old, too tired or carrying "too much baggage". You are a woman raising children who has every right to a life of her own.
Get PAM →Common questions
- Is it normal to feel guilty about dating as a single mum?
- Yes, very many mothers do. But time for yourself while the children are with their dad or your family takes nothing from them. A mum who looks after herself is a good example.
- How do I stay safe on a first date?
- Meet in daylight, somewhere public, without the children. Tell a friend, don't give out your address and keep photos of the kids off your profile.
- Should I say on my profile that I have children?
- Yes, from the start. Anyone who isn't comfortable with it will drop away by themselves. Saying you have children is enough, without names or photos.
- When should my kids meet someone new?
- Only once the relationship is stable and you are sure. Many mums wait several months and start with a short meeting somewhere neutral.
- Is PAM available in Ireland?
- Yes, the app is in English and available on iPhone and Android. The community in Ireland is only starting out.