In short: a new partner does not take your children away from you, and it does not give the other parent the right to tear up your arrangement on their own. In real life, though, a new relationship is often exactly when old arguments come back. Below are the questions separated parents in Ireland ask most. This is general information, not legal advice for your situation.
What is the difference between guardianship, custody and access?
According to the European e-Justice Portal, married parents generally hold parental responsibility jointly. Where parents are not married, the mother holds it, and the father can be appointed a guardian by agreement between the parents or by the court. Guardianship is not affected by separation or divorce.
Custody is about day-to-day care. With sole custody, the parent the child lives with makes the everyday decisions, but the other guardian still has the right to be consulted on things like education and where the child lives. Joint custody means the parents decide together, and it does not mean equal time with the child. Access is the time the child spends with the parent they do not mainly live with.
Can we sort it out between ourselves?
Yes. Parents can agree custody and access themselves. For the agreement to be legally binding, it has to be put before the court and made into an order, and the court has to be satisfied that the child's interests are protected. An agreement cannot end either parent's guardianship. Applications are normally made in the District Court.
Before that point, many parents use mediation. The Legal Aid Board's Family Mediation Service has been working with separating couples since 1986, as the Law Society Gazette noted on its 40th anniversary. Mediation will not decide for you, but it gives you a room where someone neutral keeps the children at the centre.
My ex says the kids won't come to me while I'm seeing someone. Can they do that?
A new relationship on its own is not a reason to stop agreed access. The first sensible step, though, is not a solicitor. It is a calm conversation: what exactly is worrying them? Usually it is not the new person as such, but the fear of being replaced as a parent, or that the children will be introduced too soon.
Be clear about what you are doing and what you are not: that the children have not met your partner, or will not for a few months yet, and that your time with them stays your time with them. That one sentence often calms things more than any debate.
Should my new partner be there at handovers?
There is no rule about it, it is a matter of judgement. For the first months, do handovers on your own. A Saturday morning where it is not just Mum waiting at the door but also a man the child barely knows can be a lot. Once the relationship is settled and the kids know him, it is different, but even then a quick word to the other parent beforehand goes a long way.
How do I tell my ex without it blowing up?
A short, calm message or a conversation with no audience and the children out of earshot works best. Something like this, to adapt:
"I wanted you to hear it from me: I've been seeing someone for a while. The kids haven't met him. When the time comes I'll take it slowly, with a short meeting somewhere neutral, and I'll let you know beforehand. Nothing changes about our arrangements for the children."
What to leave out: a description of the new person, comparisons, old grievances, asking for permission. You do not need their consent, but you do want them not to feel blindsided. If an angry reply comes back, do not answer straight away. Sleep on it.
The most common mistake
Letting the news travel through the children. "Daddy has a girlfriend" from a seven-year-old in the back of the car lands very differently from hearing it from you. If it is getting serious and the kids will meet the person soon, say it yourself.
To make dates and access fit together, PAM has the Custody Schedule: you enter the children's rhythm and see who you share free days with. Then you meet when you are both genuinely free, without choosing between your child and someone new.
How to introduce the children: introducing a new partner to your children. Just starting out? Read six steps for single parents in Ireland. For dads who drive a long way for access: a dad's notebook from the road.
Get PAM →Common questions
- Do I have to tell the other parent about a new relationship?
- There is no obligation. But if it is getting serious and the children will meet the person soon, it is fair to tell them yourself, briefly and calmly, so it does not come through the kids.
- Can my ex stop access because I have a new partner?
- A new relationship alone is not a reason to stop agreed access. If you cannot agree, mediation is a good first step, and the District Court deals with custody and access applications.
- Does joint custody mean the children spend equal time with each parent?
- No. Joint custody means the parents make decisions together. It does not mean equal time with the child.
- Is an agreement between parents legally binding?
- To be legally binding, the agreement has to be put before the court and made into an order. An agreement cannot end either parent's guardianship.
- Can my new partner collect the kids from school?
- It is best to agree that with the other parent first. For the first months, it is better if the parents themselves do pick-ups and handovers.